Realizing Relationships

Realizing Relationships

It’s so nice to feel wanted. It’s one of the fundamental features of being a part of a loving community; feeling like our skills and talents are appreciated, feeling loved for who we are, feeling like the real we is seen and accepted. Without condition, without restraints.

Because we are human, we need relationships. But, oh, they are interesting, aren’t they?

It took me a long time to figure out some really important stuff about you, or rather, my relationship with you. This stuff makes our interactions so much nicer, so much easier.

Thing number one. The same way that no one can read my mind, or my emotions, no one, often me included, knows what I’ve been through, I can’t know anyone else like that. What we do is make up a map, a story, an idea, about the other person.

That is so wacky, it blows my mind. The relationship I have with you is actually with a version of you that I have in my head. It has to be. That’s why we disappoint each other, because my version of who you are isn’t you, so my expectations can be wonky.

Thing number two. I can’t change you. I can encourage you, I can manipulate you, I can nag you, I can hound or threaten or cajole, but if you don’t wanna change, nuthin I do makes any difference. If I can’t love you as you are, if I feel like you need to be different for me to love you, I need to find another love. Also, if I think I can’t love you as you are, it doesn’t hurt to really look at that, and see why I feel so strongly about it.

Thing number three. When it comes to adults, it takes two to have an abusive relationship. I really hated learning this one; being a victim was so familiar, and responsibility-free. I had to stay in the relationship because of (fill in the blank.) My excuses for staying were buried deep in my unconscious, and it took me long, diligent work to pull them out, and dump them.

I’m not saying that no one around me is abusive anymore; I live in the world. What I am saying is that I don’t bite anymore when they offer me some abuse. The difference is that I don’t feel abused any more. I tend not to join the yelling. I tend not to take on shaming or blaming. I do take responsibility for my actions, and my mistakes and own them, and do what I can to correct them.

Thing number four. I consider it my responsibility to clean up my act. If I discover a character trait that causes me pain or trouble, I will do what I need to do to shift it to behavior that enhances my life. I choose to be happy time after time. I choose to relax, I choose to choose.

I treat myself respectfully. I treat myself with kindness. I seek my truths, inside, and work diligently to evolve as a person. If you will be my friend, you and I are doing the same for ourselves and each other. You kind of set the tone for how I will perceive you (see thing one.) If I see you exhausted day after day, frazzled to a crisp, snapping at people, always skipping meals or eating junk, I will be kind, but chances are good we won’t be good friends. Chances are good that if you treat yourself like crap, you will treat me the same way.

I love to be wanted, but I need to remember that it will never seem enough from you until I find that appreciation and love for my own self. When I love and value myself, it is easy to feel that from you, and it is easy to return it to you.

How have I changed from criticizing and condemning myself to valuing me, evolving me, and loving me with all my heart?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 05262013