Where I Live

Where I Live

I love where I live. It’s comfy-cozy, cute, fun. I feel happy, peaceful, protected, well, I feel everything there. I’ve lived here my whole life, and I have to say, there were times I didn’t want to. It was too tall, too big, too this and too that.

I learned as a kid that my body was unacceptable. So I starved it, over-exercised it, stuffed it, ignored it, cut it, burned it, hurt it. As I tried to fit in, I learned that I should wear my hair this way, that my pants should look that way. My breast should be like hers, my bottom should look like that girl’s. I kind of hated it.

My poor body. I abused it so much. When others judged it, I took that on, and would rehearse their judgments to tears. I hated the way I felt in it so much that I put too much coffee, and drugs and alcohol to excess to change the feeling, I would stay up all night to get that weird, woozy feeling. I looked for things that would make me numb, blackout, sleep. Oblivion.

You may know what I mean: Why am I so ugly? Why am I so fat? What makes me hate my body so much? What’s wrong with me? Why am I disgusting?

Oh, man, those are bad bad bad creative questions. Asking questions like that just makes us feel worse and worse and worse.

So I asked bad questions, and started to deny myself all sorts of things. I decided that the outside was bad for me; sugar, wheat, alcohol, cooked food, carbohydrates, animal protein. At different times I would force myself to give up whatever it was that I had decided was making me so miserable and disgusting.

I had no idea how bad for me I was being.

The world was not the problem, my thoughts were the problem.

I decided to stop trying to correct my body, I decided to like my body as it was, to love it. I started to dress it nicely, and take better care of it. I decided to love it the size it was, and moved it, and fed it better. When I said or thought something mean to me, I apologized to me, and turned it into something positive. I practiced finding things I liked and loved about my body, things I appreciated. How do I know I am beautiful? What makes me attractive? Why do I appreciate my body?

I started to pay attention to what my body was saying to me, and learned about healers who had studied the language of the body to the self. I learned that my back pain was about feeling unsupported. I learned that my tummy stuff was about feeling scared sh*tless. I learned that my achy shoulders meant that I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world. The wrinkles on my nose were about being too responsible, the turned out foot meant I was ready to leave.

Oh.

My wonderful body was trying so hard to tell me what was going on in my life, and what topics I needed to address. My body is my silent partner who speaks volumes about ways to make my life nicer, easier, more fun, more peaceful. All I have to do is listen. Why do I listen to my body? Why do I trust my body’s messages? Why do I take care of my body? Why do I treat my body with love, kindness, and respect? Why do I love to have fun with my body?

My body is my home, with a built-in VPN that tells me what I need. I just need to pay attention, and it will be my comfy-cozy, peaceful, happy playground.

How have I changed from hating and abusing my body to treating it like my very best friend?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 05282013