SunAgape's Spot

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Shining On

All sorts of wonderful things happen for us when we commit to become grownups, to evolve into our best selves, to enlighten our lives. We find more “luck,” and love, we find more opportunities for joy and bliss seems to follow us around like a happy, housebroken puppy.

We also find our wisdom, our deep understanding of how the world works, how we work. The more we come to know ourselves, the more we know about relationships, about finding solutions, about relaxing into peace, comforting both ourselves and each other. We find that we are more interested in each other, how we feel, what we think.

Curiously, we find that, the more we come to know ourselves, the more we seem to find that the details of our particular story are less important than they used to be. We are less interested in labeling ourselves as damaged, or broken, and so on, and more interesting in resolutions, and resolvings, appreciations, and gratitude.

We find that worry or fear are no longer as interesting a pastime. We find that we would rather look for the gold than the rot, to anticipate good stuff, to relish the silver linings.

We find that we have more compassion, not only for each other, but for ourselves. We find things to respect about each other, qualities we value, moments we treasure. We stop assuming the worst, and give each other the benefit of the doubt, and are amply rewarded most of the time.

Forgiveness comes more easily, too, not only for our people, our past hurts, but for our own stuff. We make amends where we can, and then let it go.

We listen better. We love more easily. We notice and let go of our negative moral and emotional judgments more quickly.

Wow, Why are we so astounding? What makes us such good people? How do we open so much.

There is a promise from 12 steps that I adore. We will intuitively know how to handle situations that formerly baffled us. O, I think I wanted that more than anything. And may I just say this: It rocks. I wonder if, when we let go of all that fretting about stuff, we have more room in our brains to find solutions out of our consciousness, we don’t even have to think about it, they are just there. However it happens, I like it.

What makes me wise? How do I value my smarts? How do I know I am bright?

We also find that we start to take our wisdom for granted. We assume it will be available to us when we need it. We count on it, and we find that we can count on our people most of the time. We find that we have more and more people who want what we have stepping in with us, supporting us, and the people who don’t, the ones who choose to stay stuck, or to continue suffering, to stay miserable, well, they sort of drift away. Sometimes, we are blessed with the miracle of those sad folks changing their minds, and coming to join us, and that is a day for celebration.

In fact, as I claim my wisdom, my insight, my smarts, I see something worth celebrating everyday, and make room for that little celebration. It may simply be a blessing at a meal, a moment to consider all the lovely things that have happened, and it might be a full-on party.

How have I changed from feeling thick-headed and dim to owning my brilliance?

Monday, February 17, 2014

The Verdict -- Innocent

Do you have a big pile of stuff that is waiting for your attention? Is it the starting? Or the middling? Or the finishing?

One of the tricks we are really good at is creating stuff to feel guilty about. I know, it’s a “why would we do that?” kind of thing, but we do, It’s in our baby nature: We have something, we see what would happen if we wreck it somehow, and then we have giant feelings about it being wrecked.

Seriously.

So, as we choose to grow up, we can choose to address this topic for ourselves, for our peace.

Why do I get things done? What makes me follow through? How do I commit?

Why would I start? How do I begin? What makes me take the first step?

As we choose to address this topic, we may find ourselves facing a big ol’ pile of guilt. Guilt for not starting, guilt for not finishing, Guilt for procrastinating, guilt for doing X, but not well enough.

Sometimes, we feeling guilty, and that makes us feel ashamed, so we lash out and blame someone else, or something else, for how crappy we feel. And then we feel guilty about that.

Why am I innocent? What makes me perfect? How have I changed from making up stuff to feel guilty about, to letting go?

Letting go. When I am feeling guilty about somethings, I can fix ‘em, I can make amends. I can make restitution for the stuff I took, or the lies I told. I can take responsibility for hurts I caused, or damage I did. But what about the guilt we feel for that baby-nature stuff, where we kind of manufacture the whole thing? What do I do then?

When I am feeling that kind of guilt, or even guilt for being alive, which a lot of us have, there are a couple things I do. Thing one, I can start using Creative Questions, and thing two, I can practice letting it go.

And how the hickety-heck do I do that?

First thing is to stop the thoughts. Get out of your head. Get into your body, or into a calming image, or a mantra that you like. When I was feeling really stuck, I used a rubber band on my wrist and would snap it as soon as I noticed my negative thoughts. On the one hand, ow. On the other hand, it worked.

The sooner I can catch my thought, my guilty thought, my blaming or shaming thought, and change it, the better. When I know what the thought is, I can more easily craft a good Creative Question to turn it around, but even when I can’t, Creative Questions will help.

How have I changed from all that guilt to knowing I am pure and innocent?

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Divining Your True Self

So, what are you trying to prove? That you are deserving? That you are right? That you yourself are enough? That you are capable? That you are good enough?

Phew.

Poor we. We spend so much time trying to prove what we are or what we aren’t. Sometimes, we have an idea of whom we want to prove it to, but sometimes we don’t. And no matter what we accomplish, it’s just not enough.

How do I feel satisfied? Why am I content? What makes me accomplished?

When I am trying to prove that I am something, I am moving away from my natural life. Stuff gets hard. I often feel like I’m struggling in my efforts. I have one eye on you, looking to see if you’ve noticed, looking to you for approval, looking to you to make me feel okay. I have the other eye on the task and am asking myself, “is this the time? Is this good enough? How can I make this better? Then I have an eye on how I look, wondering if I look competent, capable, worthy. And I have an eye on everyone else to make sure I am the front runner, often feeling grim if I am, and kind of desperate if I’m not.

Juggling all those eyes is challenging. And we don’t even wanna think about what happens if we drop one.

And, no matter how you feel about me, if I don’t, I won’t . Feel good about me, that is. And all my struggle, all that misery, is for a mistaken notion. Like expecting a return on money we flush down the drain.

Self-esteem comes from me. That’s why it’s called self esteem.

How do I value me? Why do I respect myself? What makes me like me?

When I can make the shift from trying to prove that I’m capable, or worthy, or enough, or good enough, to owning that I already am, not only do I gain more self, but I also free up a lot of energy, juice that I can use for fun, or learning something, or helping.

When I cease trying to prove my right to exist, that I am right, that I am helpful, and own that I am those things, I can relax. My anxiety levels drop, that feeling of desperation fades. I like that.

How do I know I’m enough? Why am I good enough? What makes me worthy?

How would you feel if you only wanted your own approval? How could you feel proud for yourself, of yourself? How would you know you’re are enough?

When I choose to trust that those notions are more true than my old ideas that made me feel bad, I am choosing to step into my natural life. When I choose to trust that I am the one whose opinion about me counts the most, I am choosing life. When I choose to trust that my divine and infinite self is divine and infinite, I can release my limits, and let my spirit soar. It may only be for a flash, but that flash of Divine Truth will be with me ever after.

How have I changed from believing mislearnings to trusting my divine nature?

Saturday, February 15, 2014

New Realities

I drew the winner card this morning. I was thinking about the strong reactions that word gets when this card comes up. That started me thinking about our ideas of success, and that led me to the whole idea of activism.

An activist activates against something they don’t like. Do you see where this is going? In order to be an activist you have to be up against some kind of enemy.

Resisting. Fighting. On the side of right.

And, Houston, we have a problem. Because now we have taken sides. Now we have some bad thing over there, and in order to maintain our activist, resistance, fighting position, we have to maintain it, that bad thing.

Let’s say I like my position of good guy in the family, for instance. In order to stay the good guy, I have to have a bad guy. I like being the peace-keeper at work, that means I need to have unrest to make peaceful. I like to lead protest groups, we have to have stuff to protest. In order for me to fight injustice, I need to have injustice.

Are you feeling a little uncomfortable? I am.

Why can I see myself clearly? How to I choose my thoughts? What makes me relax?

So, on the one hand, I want to live in a peaceful, passionate, engaged world. On the other hand, by taking sides, and resisting, unconsciously, I have clenched up against stuff.

Consider the differences between “Wipe Out World Hunger” and “Plenty of Food for All.” “Fight Breast Cancer” and “Breast Wellness Everywhere.”

In my own life, I need to look at the roles I identify with. Do I have roles I play that require me to be against stuff? For example, if I see myself as a great advisor, I need you to have problems I can tell you how to fix. Oy. If I see myself as a protector of children, I need someone to be a threat to them. Oy. If I keep my home as a sanctuary, I need my outer world to be, uh, interesting. If I’m going to be a hero, I need you to have stuff I can rescue you from. Sorry.

So, unconsciously, I am facilitating this stuff in order that I can maintain these ideas about me. Talk about mislearnings. Wow.

A lot of it is semantics, like we saw in the slogans above. And consider the differences between “Why am I a peacemaker?” and “Why do I enjoy a peaceful environment?” “Why do I protect my children?” and “Why are we relaxed and comfy?”

Clenched to unclenched.

I am not saying that we don’t want to feed the world, or ensure clean water for all, or have peace on an earth where everyone is well. I am saying that activating is tight, and we do better when we are relaxed. Fighting is all about the clench, and peaceful is relaxed. Identifying our tensed up roles, and unchoosing them, and replacing them with a healthful environment makes me free.

How have I changed from fighting it to softening into a new reality?

Friday, February 14, 2014

Feudin’, Fussin’, an’ Fightin’

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about the concepts around introvert and extrovert. There’s a lot of information out there on the Information Superhighway about these ideas, much of it is conflicting. And why do we care?

Well, I like a lot of alone time to feel balanced and centered. Took me years to figure that out, and living in a relatively big family, it was hard to come by. My mom loved being around people, and since we lived way out in the country, I was often the only people she had to be around. Conflict of interests? A bit. We made it work.

How do I love my family? What makes me patient? Why are my contacts successful?

Those intimate differences helped me look at us with a more tolerant eye. Even in the same families, we are different. We have different needs, different desires. We have different points of view, different likes and dislikes. Even in the same family.

I had a lot of thoughts about I’m right and you’re wrong, too. We are entitled to our opinions, and to disagree, but hating someone for their opinions, well, that’s a lot of energy you could use to sway them gently to your side.

What makes me respectful? How do I disengage from bad behavior? Why am I centered?

It’s in that little shift in attitude that stuff starts changing. In finding compassion for ourselves, and each other, in using our energy in ways that make stuff better rather than letting our inner 7 year old ventilate its spleen, these are the ways we make deep shifts in our thinkings, deep shifts in our interactions, deep shifts in our communities.

I figured out somewhere back there that part of my happiness comes from helping you find yours. Just thinking about that makes my heart-cockles get all warm and light. I know I can’t make you happy, but I can make an environment where you can allow your best self to emerge.I can model the tools and resources I find useful. I mean, your best self is in there, longing for happiness and peace and your natural life. Mine is, too.

The more time I spend making room for me to be my best self, the more I get to live my natural life, and, boy howdy, do I love living there or what.

Our purpose in life is to be happy according to the Dalai Lama. I’ll take it. Our natural life is peaceful, joyful, relaxed and blissful. It is satisfying, contented, and creative. It is intimate, connected, and loving. It’s fun.

More and more of my days have periods of bliss, peace, intimacy, satisfaction. As I practice all the stuff I preach, my life gets easier, even when the circs seem like it would be awful. I have surrounded myself with besties who get it, I have carved out time for my daily practices, I plan plans not outcomes, so if something has to drop out, I don’t need to freak out.

Why would I choose to relax? How do I know I’m okay? What makes my life good?

By choosing to find ways to respect you, I will treat you better. When I find ways not to engage with you in bad behavior, the bad behavior shrivels like a worm on a hot sidewalk.

When I clean up my act, your behavior will change.

How have I changed from hating, pushing away, criticizing, and fighting to feeling respectful, compassionate, and clear?

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Feelin’ Groovy

When I’m feeling crappy, the last thing I want is to be reminded that it’s my choice. Frankly, it’s one of the reasons I love my decks of CQ cards, because then it’s the card, and not you, who is reminding me.

How do I know I’m responsible for me? What makes me take charge of my life?

Guess who’s been feeling kinda crappy kinda a lot lately? Oh, yeah. So, I sit on my porch, feeling not-good, thinking about all the changes in my life that I’m having negative emotional judgments about, and I see in my mind’s eye, Pema Chodron, pacing in the snow and saying something like, “When you feel bad, Pam, it is a reminder that you are in a bad habit-loop. You can choose to get out of it, Our natural state is feeling good.”

Why can I choose? What makes me decide? How do I know I can?

Now who can get mad at a phantom Pema? Um, I can. And then I think about that advice, and I remember that I get to choose how I feel, I can change my feelings like my socks.

My phantom Pema isn’t telling me not to feel what I’m feeling. Rather, she is simply reminding me that when I am feeling bad, I’m resisting what is. I’m saying no to what life is offering me now, and any silver linings that may be had.

Sometimes, that’s exactly what I want to do. (Insert “raspberry” here.) (Or is it a Bronx Cheer?) (You know what I mean, that sound you make by blowing through closed lips with your tongue sticking out.)

So I feel my bad feelings, and then they move on through, and I can go back to feeling good. Except that sometimes, I get the idea that feeling good is bad. I feel guilty for being happy. As though the loved one I’m grieving, or the changes that are happening, would be mad at me for not suffering on their behalf. No, I’m serious, I do that. Until I catch myself.

Thing is, when we let life flow, our feelings and emotions flow, those feelings and emotions don’t last very long. We are a powerful, dynamic system, and thoughts are moving through at a brisk rate.

‘Nother thing is, the purpose of life is to be happy. Not stuff happy, or event happy, but all the way through, deep down, soul happy. Part of that happiness is experiencing life all the way through, just as it is right now. Sometimes right now has loss in it. And, if we are paying attention, we will notice that there is always loss, and always gain, in each moment.

This is really good news for us because it means that we can feel good about feeling sad, or scared, or pissed off, when we are feeling it clean. And it’s a wonderful motivator for cleaning up our stuff.

I know a bunch of you don’t wanna do that because you are apprehensive about wrecking relationships with your loved ones by uncovering bad or scary stuff. There are ways to resolve your ancient traumas without having to have conscious memories about them. Look ‘em up, seek ‘em out. Cleaning that stuff up makes such a difference.

I choose my quality of life, and if my life sucks, I’m the one responsible. The sooner I own it, the sooner I can fix it. And it’s okay for you to Bronx cheer me on that one.

How have I changed from blaming to knowing the choice is all mine?

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

I Second That Emotion

You know all that woowoo stuff about how thought becomes things? Well, here’s a strange and interesting thing. Theoretical physicists are finding out that consciousness is a state of matter. Quantifiable. Like gases, or liquids, or solids. What do you think about them apples.

We’ve been talking here for ages about how emotions are the physical manifestations of thought. That each thought has a corresponding emotion attached, and that you string enough together and you get feelings. Well, it looks like thought may already be a thing.

We know we have a conscious mind, and an unconscious mind. We know that when we are feeling crazy, or overwhelmed, it’s often because we have so much unconscious stuff swirling around, or maybe just one big thing, that’s trying to be known.

Our unconscious thoughts, like our conscious thoughts, also make emotions. Emotions make feelings, and I gotta say, feelings are not my strong suit. I’ve had to work on them, identifying them, experiencing them.

Here’s the way it all plays out.

I have a thought, let’s say a “no” thought, like, “I don’t like this.” That thought produces an emotion; anger or fear or disgust. I don’t notice it, and the thought loops, and the emotion gets bigger turning into a feeling, that is, an emotion and thought loop big enough that I can notice. I ignore it, and it will get bigger. If I keep pushing it down, that feeling, it will manifest in my physical body. Lots of folks have mapped symptoms as feelings already. Each of us has our own body, our own feelings and our own maps, on the other hand, we share a lot.

Why do I trust my body? How can I know what my body is telling me? What makes me understand my own body’s language?

We have sayings that lets us know we have stuff in common. We talk about carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders, and when we feel over-burdened, it’s often our shoulders that ache. Our neck aches, until we identify the “pain in the neck” we are having feelings about. Or the” pain in the ass”, which may show up as hemorrhoids. Seriously. Anger can hole up in the liver, bitterness and resentments in the gallbladder, being pissed off in the bladder, fear in the kidneys, and so on.

Learning to identify these is really useful. I know it’s a stretch for a lot of us, this whole concept. It took me a while to get it, but if I can warm up my hands just by thinking “warm hands,” well....And, just for the record, I learned that skill at the Mayo Clinic in 1976.

Issues around feeling supported can show up in the back: “Do you have my back?” Sensing a betrayal of sorts can “get our back up.” Knees often have to do with ego and self-worth, menial tasks being beneath us, for example, and hips can be letting us know we need some self-celebration. When we have a physical topic, identifying the feelings and emotions that our body is trying to communicate can be very healing. Emotions are like a road map, telling us where we are, what’s going on, and when we ignore them, they will amplify their message.

How have I changed from discounting my emotions and feelings to taking their messages to heart?

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

To Be Our Best Selves

All of us like to feel supportive of our loved ones. We want to help them achieve their dreams, heal their wounds, soothe their sorrows. We want to bring them joy, make things easier, keep stuff simple for them.

Or do we?

I was astonished and kind of horrified when I realized that I was supporting you in bad behaviors, supporting you in being miserable, in suffering, in stuff that was full of bad vibes. I would commiserate with you about how awful so-and-so was, about how bad the job was, about how terrible the world was.

I had friendships where that’s what we did, bitch and moan. Misery buddies. Flying directly in the face of what I had sworn I wanted, to be happy. Why on earth would I do that?

And that’s the rub: Bitching is fun. Saying rotten things about other people is fun. Sharing a whinge with your pal is a bonding thing. Sigh. It’s fun, but it doesn’t move us forward, it just holds us back. Low vibration stuff.

How have I changed from bad-mouthing you to truly supporting you?

I had a friend who said, “You can complain about the same thing three times without doing anything about it. After that, I don’t wanna hear about it unless you are changing it.” Back when she said that to me, I was crushed. Wasn’t she there to hear my woes? Well, no, she was there to support me in being my best self. Woeful is not my best self.

How have I changed from rehearsing the crap to seeking out the good?

When we support each other in a victim stance, we sure are not supporting our best selves. I am not a victim of life’s circumstances, unless I choose to be. We are not victims of our bodies, our abusers, our jobs, our food choices, our exercise programs, or our children or parents needs unless we choose to be. This is a great big steaming pile of important right here. Blaming each other, or parts of ourselves, or our past, for our emo crap is low vibration stuff, too. Right up there with bitchin’. Or should I say, down there.

I need to own my part of what I’m doing, and let it go. I may have all kinds and sorts of chronic stuff; body stuff, behavior patterns, bad habits; and maybe these things feel like they are getting in my way. Am I addressing the topic? Am I getting help if I need help? If I’ve tried ten things and failed, am I seeking out the eleventh? Conversely, if I feel loathe to give up X, my bad habit, my bad pattern, my bad stomach stuff, is there a secondary gain I’m getting from it? Does it mean I can avoid doing things I don’t wanna do? Does it mean I can say “no” to things and feel less guilty or selfish? Does it mean I can beat myself up and prove I’m no good? Yeah, secondary gains are sneaky.

When I unchoose bitching and victim-ing and martyr-ing and sucking, I can start to be truly supportive of your amazing self. I can model better behavior, I can listen deeply, and hear what you are saying underneath, I can help you find solutions, and resolutions. I have easy access to compassion. I can comfort effortlessly.

How have I changed from supporting you in low vibration stuff to supporting you to be your best self?

Monday, February 10, 2014

Fishing The River Creative

Years ago I took a little workshop. It was a couple hours, and something that I got some work credit for taking. Often things like that are nice ways to spend some time away from my desk, and not much more, but this one has stuck with me.

Being creative. Now, I was blessed as a little kid by having a lot of adults around me who encouraged me to draw, paint, sculpt, dance, write, make up songs, and just kind of be creative in general.I know a lot of us never get that, or we get criticized for our creative efforts. That sucks.

I have thought of myself as a creative person most of my life. At the same time, I felt like I had to have inspiration strike, like lightning. I could sit down and do rote exercises, like scales, or drawing hands, or limericks or haiku, things with rules and structure. But I had this idea that Creativity was bestowed, and I just had to wait for it.

I stand corrected.

What I have learned is that creativity, like so many other things, is more accessible, juicier, more enjoyable, the more we practice. If anyone had told me back in the day that I would be writing to you every day like this I would have thought they were daft. That I could do it with joy and ease, I would have thought that they were totally cracker-dog.

Why do my good ideas flow? What makes me relax? How do I celebrate my creativity?

What they told me in that workshop was this: If I want to be really creative, I need to be creative every day. I needed to make creativity a habit. I literally got goosebumps when they said that. What a concept! Making creativity a habit.

We know a lot about habits, and how they can destroy us bit by bit, or bring us joy and lightheartedness bit by bit. We have a lot of tools now for discovering our habits, rooting out mislearned beliefs, unchoosing bad behaviors, shedding our fixed delusions. All we have to do is apply ourselves with some focus for a little while every day.

How can I choose my habits? Why do I exercise my creative powers?

I have a few little things I now do every day to exercise my creative neuropathways. I write to you, off the cuff, based on a Creative Questions Card that I pull either from the first or second edition decks. I write and publish a list of daily appreciations, and I come up with a secret name of the day.

The appreciations I write first thing in the morning. Have you ever primed a hand-pump? Pouring some water into it, pumping like mad to get the water to come up from the depths of its well? That’s what the appreciations do for me, get that flow of gratitude going for my day. Some days it’s super easy, other days, especially if I’ve had icky dreams, not so much. But that habit, that act of searching around in my yesterday and my upcoming day with an eye toward the good makes a huge difference.

Secret name of the day is total creative fun. I started doing it to remind myself that I am a divine and infinite being, and as such, one name is simply not sufficient.

Setting ourselves little creative tasks will limber up our access to our limitless creativity, and how fun is that!

How have I changed from waiting for inspiration to hit to keeping my creative juices flowing?